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  BETTER OFF DEAD
Dawn of the Dead
Zack Snyder, 2004
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We're all for kicking the living shit out of the living dead when it's warranted, but not when they're minding their own business. Those that do usually find out just how quickly a fool and his ammo are parted. What did the chosen few (in this film) have in common?
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Zombies for Zombies: Five Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
(1) Table Manners (2) Saying "Please" and "Thank You" (3) SHHHHH - Others live here, too! No unnecessary noise
(4) Punctuality (5) Anger Management


Dawn of the Dead
They looked like different celebrities, A.D.
 
Bummer. But there's no need to panic! Yes, your life will be undergoing a major transformation, but this doesn't have to be the end-all it once was when the disaster first hit. There have been significant breakthroughs in the last decade in helping you keep significant parts of your wit and dignity. Together we can limit the damage.

Zombies for Zombies is a motivational guide designed specifically to make a profound difference in your accidental, strange new life. You say you don't want to become another one of those gfhastly creatures you see on the news? You don't have to - if you follow the great advice inside.
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Lights, Camera, Trivia
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A major event has occurred that will significantly impact every aspect of your life, including your involuntary functions. That, however, is no reason to come unglued. This is the moment when you must dig your deepest for strength and dignity. It's time to gain perspective
about where you've been and where you're headed. Now is when you must learn how to become highly effective. Not to be confused with "infected" or, for that matter, "affected." The world doesn't need any more poseurs.

See how many habits of a highly effective zombie you can name

1. Civilization is crumbling but you're staying civilized. So please, always use utensils. Rather than tearing your dinner apart and gnawing on it, make the effort to pick up a knife and fork and cut your food correctly. Really, it's not that much work. Remember, just because everyone in the Horde does it, doesn't make it right.

2. This sets its sights on one of the most disturbing traits of typical horde conduct; entirely too much uncouth grunting and grabbing. While it's true your vocabulary will shrink to
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David P. Murphy, 2009
that of a first grader (if you're lucky), the plucky pair of AEELPS and AHKNT OUY can play an effective role in your everyday speech. And they're not that hard to remember. It's the little things that keep us human. Some of us.

3. One of the essential tenets of proper decorum is to avoid disturbing others. Being a member of your own "rad crew" of post-lifers does not exempt you from old-fashioned courtesy. No growling in the grocery store or mewling at moviegoers. If you do feel the need to express yourself in an unsavory manner, find a private place (to do it).

4. As the state of catatonia inches ever closer, your autonomic nervous system responses will begin to "lag" a bit. (And by a "bit," I mean a lot.) Because you'll be moving more slowly, it's going to take you much longer to do everything. For example; when you make lunch, plan on completing
your cooking closer to dinner. Point being, it's important that you begin to factor this sluggishness into your datebook. Plan ahead with what's left of your head.

5. After years of testing and polling, scientists are still unclear as to why, exactly, the Horde is so darned torqued. Some believe the root is hunger; others attribute it to abandonment issues or psychological scars left over from that middle-school industrial arts class. Perhaps we'll never know. Nevertheless, I can assure you that you're going to be the picture of calm because public displays of rage (PDR's) are distasteful (unless you've been subjected to a Matthew McConaughey movie, and then no one will blame you.)
Live. Learn. Survive.
Zombies for Zombies available from SourceBooks
DAVID P. MURPHY