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  SPOOF YOU!
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Unless you're a zombie or some carnivorous monstrosity that feeds on Hypothalamus glands. If you know anything about evolutionary biology, you know why Dr. Green's (Penelope Ann Miller) initial idea to kill the creature in The Relic would have worked. Of course, we're assuming you don't.
Put your knowledge of all-things that creep, slither and crawl to the test with the only movie monster survival guide/quiz book of its kind.

What will you do when they come for you?
Live and learn. Learn and live!
Lights, Camera, Trivia
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All questions and quizzes written by Philip Cerreta unless otherwise noted
Braaaaiiins!!! We counted two of them in the film's opening sequence. Jeffrey's (James Lorinz) and the one-eyed, no-horned, oozing people-greeter. The one in the jar never spoke, but if it could, and it spilled its guts (so to speak) to you about its mental and physical anguish,
Frank Henenlotter, 1990
Frankenhooker
(1) Being kept alive in a jar, the scalpel and hammer (2) Reasoning (3) A sex goddess in (and out of) a white lace teddy without a scar on her body (4) Because that's when the electrical storm was due to pass through the town of Hohoken. (5) He withdrew the cash from his Christmas Club account to pay for the hookers. Ho! Ho! Ho! The equipment in his makeshift laboratory was probably stolen from his employer, New Jersey Gas & Electric.

(6) The super crack (7) One of her arms, her foot and the big toe to her other foot (8) Ummm, they're props, officer. Would I be crazy enough to drive home with an open trunk if they weren't? You might, rabbit, you might. (9) The nipples on Elizabeth's top. They were gi-normous! (10) Zorro's (Joseph Gonzalez) body wasn't an option. No male's was because Jeffrey's blood serum was estrogen based.

Stan Helsing
A heel with a slot for tips
exhibits A, B and C would have been what?

2. The loss of a loved one can really mess with a person's head. It can also drive those who are messed up to begin with to do some pretty sick and twisted things. That was how Jeffrey described his AEIOGNNRS after Elizabeth's (Patty Mullen) death. Unscramble the underlined word.

3. Its alive! The Frankenhooker and Jeffrey's ding-a-ling. The latter would have risen with his bride-to-be the night she was resurrected if the operation was a complete success. What did he envision?

4. If it looked like Elizabeth was patched together in an hour, that's because she was. Jeffrey had only two days to find the parts he needed. Why?

5. Hookers are a dime a dozen. Jeffrey didn't need
that many, just enough to stitch his fiancée back together. Where did he get the money and the other resources that were needed to do that?

6. Jeffrey wasn't a bad guy. He just did a few very bad things. Ask him about the dead hookers and you might hear him say, "I didn't kill them. That did." That being...

7. Beware of raven-haired, Frankenhookers looking for a date. We're onto their tricks. The last person who fell for one of them ended up with a body part that wasn't their own. The brains behind that operation could have just taken what they wanted and disposed of the corpse, but even a mad scientist needs a good laugh every now and again. What part of Elizabeth's body could have become a part of someone else?

8. License, registration and one hell of a good
explanation, please. How Jeffrey made it back to Hohoken without getting pulled over is anyone's guess. Let's hear yours, if you were questioned about the same thing.

9. "No, no, no. Sorry, kid. Santa can't bring you a Frankenhooker. That's my gift. You'll poke your eye out." What would Mr. Claus be referring to if those words were uttered to Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) in A Franken Christmas Story?

10. We wouldn't say Jeffrey ended up with a body only a Frankenhooker could love in the film's closing sequence, but if Elizabeth really did care about him, why would she do what she did?
Go ahead. Open up your gift. If you're expecting anything other than a question, we're asking Santa to bring you a compass next year because you obviously forgot where the hell you are. All Mia (Desi Lydic) wanted for Christmas was a pair of Strip-A-Lot 3000s. A rockin' stiletto, no doubt, but when it comes to slutty footwear you can't beat what was on the Brides of Dracula's feet.
Stan Helsing
Bo Zenga, 2009