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  WE AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS!
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How to Survive a Horror Movie: Know Your Ghosts
(1) The Buddy (2) The Pest (3) The Charity Case (4) The Attention Whore
(5) The Unaware (6) The Asshole

Thirteen Ghosts
The Black Zodiac
 
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Lights, Camera, Trivia
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Poltergeists, specters, free-floating, full-torso vaporous apparitions. The real phantom menaces. Ghosts come in all kinds of exciting shapes and flavors. Some are merely nuisances, some are faithful companions, and others have the will (and the way) to drag a person out of
this world. As a horror movie survivalist, you'll need to be able to tell the difference - and that starts with a lesson in the six ghost archetypes.

See how many you can
name


1. These are often the ghosts of children, and they spend their time trying to befriend living children. (They) know they're dead. In fact, after a brief, post-funeral depression, they learn to see their new ethereal status as a plus - using it to score living friends by performing ghostly tricks for their amusement. (They) can also be recently deceased parents who feel compelled to see their kids grow up, or benevolent spirits that take a liking to the new family that moves in.

2. Moving your furniture around. Locking you out of the house when you get the newspaper. Popping out of
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Seth Graham Smith, 2007
the drain when you're showering. (They're) the inmates who've been given the keys to the asylum. The class clowns who've been granted immunity from detention. They couldn't be happier to be dead. It's probably what they dreamt of their whole life. That's because now their immature pranks have the added benefits of being 100 percent consequence free.

3. These are ghosts who shook off their mortal coil without taking care of some  important unfinished business. Business that they've decided to make your problem.

4. They moan incessantly. Hover at the end of your bed. Write "get out" in the fog on your bathroom mirror. Day after day. Night after chain-rattling night. They just can't bear the thought of anyone else getting on with their life - especially in "their" house.
5. Poor bastards. They
have no idea. Just walking around like their flight landed safely. They'll even carry on with their daily routines. Sleeping next to their spouse. Driving their cab. Wondering why everyone seems so distant.

6. Sometimes a person is just (one of these), plain and simple. Ditto for ghosts. (They) aren't lost between Heaven and Hell. They aren't here to see Junior graduate or settle an old score. They're just hanging around to wreck havoc in the living world. Who knows? Maybe they were wronged somewhere down the line and can't let go. Maybe Daddy missed too many Little League games. It doesn't matter.
Live. Learn. Survive.
How to Survive a Horror Movie available from Quirk Books
Are you reading this at summer camp, in a cornfield or at an abandoned mental institution?
Does music cresendo every time you open a door?
Are there any Japanese children in your bathroom?
Do all of your "friends" look suspiciously like cast members from Smallville and The Gilmore Girls?
Have you, within the last twenty-four hours, accidentally killed a hobo or socially challenged classmate and then hid the corpse so that no one will ever find out?

If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, you are most definately trapped in a horror movie - and you need to read this book!
Open, says me! Ocularis Infernum? Damn it, still nothing. Now what? We were hoping to get by/eye without a little help from our twelve ghostly friends. A host of spirits that were collectively known as ...
Thirteen Ghosts
Steve Beck, 2001
SETH GRAHAM SMITH