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  THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE
From Dusk Till Dawn
Robert Rodriquez, 1996
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You know how you can tell if a bar caters to vampires? Order a drink that's made with garlic clover. That was how we survived our first and only visit to The Titty Twister. The Gecko brothers (George Clooney & Quentin Tarantino) found out where they were when Richard was stabbed in the hand. What did he do to deserve that?
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BOOKS
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Are you reading this at summer camp, in a cornfield or at an abandoned mental institution?
Does music cresendo every time you open a door?
Are there any Japanese children in your bathroom?
Do all of your "friends" look suspiciously like cast members from Smallville and The Gilmore Girls?
Have you, within the last twenty-four hours, accidentally killed a hobo or socially challenged classmate and then hid the corpse so that no one will ever find out?

If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, you are most definately trapped in a horror movie - and you need to read this book!
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Lights, Camera, Trivia
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How to Survive a Horror Movie: The Seven Deadly Sins
(1) Doubters/Doubt (2) Machismo (3) Independence (4) Ugliness (5) Curiosity
(6)  Irresponsibility (7) In a car, truck or motor-home/Vehicular Sex

From Dusk Till Dawn
What didn't he do? The guy was a cold-blooded murderer who fucked with the wrong people.
You didn't forget what happened before they walked into the place, did you?
Live. Learn. Survive.
How to Survive a Horror Movie available from Quirk Books
The Seven Deadly Sins date back to the earliest days of Christianity. They were devised as a way to keep followers from indulging their less attractive urges: lust, pride, wrath, gluttony, sloth, envy and greed. In Catholicism, these transgressions were (and still are) dealt with
Seth Graham Smith, 2007
through confession and prayer. In the Church of Latter Day Horror Movies, however, there's a different set of seven deadly sins and only one punishment ...

See how many you can
match up to the list below


1. There are two types of horror movie characters: those who believe your story and those who don't. And while believers are by no means safe, at least they've taken the first step down the long road toward survival. BEDORSTU, however, can always count on being dead before the end credits.

2. The jock who thinks his football skills are enough to defeat the reincarnated serial killer. The redneck who intends to show that vampire how they do things in Texas. The Soldier who's taken on aliens way scarier than this one. All tough, all dead. Remember, fellow males - in horror movies, testosterone might as well be cyanide.

3. Have you ever seen the documentary about wildebeests? The one where it's nothing but slow-motion footage of them getting torn apart by lions and crocodiles? Great, isn't it? Funny how the predators always seem to kill the animals that are on the
outer edges of the herd. The ones who are either too slow or too stupid to draw strength from their numbers. This is not a coincidence.

4. Nobody said horror movies were fair. That goes double for people with acne, glasses, or cottage cheese in the seat. You see, in the "everybody's a teen model except the funny fat guy" world of horror movies, it's a sin to be anything less than drop-dead gorgeous.

5. Have you ever been in a theater when the girl (in the movie) hears a strange noise and decides to see where it's coming from? Notice how everyone in the audience starts tensing up as she climbs the stairs? That's because they know one of the basic horror movie equations: Investigation equals mutilation.

6. If you're supposed to be guarding the door, then guard the door. Don't wander off to take a leak. If you're supposed to be watching the kids, don't do bong hits with your headphones on. If you're supposed to wake up your friend at the first sign of a bad dream, don't fall asleep. How hard is that? In a horror movie, if you accept a task and fail to carry it out, either you or someone
close to you is going to die.

7. Everybody knows the old adage about "fuzzy bears" and horror movies, those who collect them, die. Well, yes and no. While it's certainly advisable to keep them in your "closet," there are plenty of people who take them out and live to brag about it. That's because they do it in their own homes or the privacy of a respectable massage parlor and they avoid the one place that's guaranteed to result in death. Where would that be, kids, if we talking about something other than FB's?


A. Curiosity
B.  Doubters/Doubt
C. In a car, truck or motor-home/Vehicular Sex
D. Independence
E. Irresponsibility
F. Machismo
G. Ugliness
SETH GRAHAM SMITH