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  LIVE, LEARN, SURVIVE
X. HUNGRY HUNGRY VAMPIRES
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Can a vampire starve to death? It hasn't happened yet and it probably never will if the creatures truly are immortal. One that was deprived of blood for an extended period of time would just wither away until it could no longer function and remain in a comatose-like state until it was fed. So the answer to that question, kids, is no, they cannot, but many have died because of their hunger. Do as we say, not as they often do.
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A vampire isn't the glitz and glamor that Hollywood makes it out to be. In fact, one out of five newly turned vampires will succumb to a slew of easily avoidable and common pitfalls within their first few months as a nightwalker-tempting garlic-laced Italian food, silver jewelry, and anything with an SPF below 1,000 will have to go.

As an answer to this tragic loss of undead life, "Count" Domenick Dicce has written the definitive how-to guide that just might save your pale, ice-cold skin. This helpful tome will cover everything from Vampire 101-such as hunting, feeding, and getting used to your new powers-to Vampire Graduate Studies-such as coffin selection, the ghoulish world of vampiric social hierarchy, and the universal Laws of the Vampire.

This humorous and giftable guide will be perfect for you or the vampire nut in your life, complete with illustrations throughout.
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Lights, Camera, Trivia
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With all those vampire stories out there, it's hard to keep your mythology straight. Luckily, "Count" Domenick Dicce is here to help you separate fact from fiction. While his book is required reading for the newly turned, he has created a few short questions
to see just how much you know about the world of the undead.

I. CATCHING A CASE OF VAMPIRISM
Unlike the common cold or herpes, becoming a vampire is not as easy as some stories would have you believe. A single bite will not turn someone into a rapid vampire and neither will being born between Christmas and the Epiphany. How does somebody become a vampire?

II. THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES
Legends don't agree on how sun affects vampires. While some say the sun has no effect, others say that a vampire's powers are weakened. The truth is sun kills. Don't be fooled by sparkling vampires or sexy teen CW shows. However, is there a way for vampire to enjoy the sun?

A. Wearing a SPF 5,000 Sunscreen or higher.
B. Sporting sunglasses and a cool trench coat
C. You're burnt toast no matter what.


III. STAKE YOUR LIFE ON IT
A stake made of aspen wood, silver or biodegradable plastic jammed into the heart will
You're a Vampire: That Sucks!
(1) A victim must be drained of blood till they are almost unconscious and then drink an equal amount of blood from a vampire. (2) C (3) A vampire will be temporarily immobilized. They will not die, but the pain shooting through their body as they wait to regenerate will only fuel their motivation for revenge and the need for a pick-me-up snack. (4) Vampires originally enslaved werewolves until they finally revolved. The war that followed almost wiped out both species.  (5) The kit came with a pistol, 10 silver bullets, a wooden stake and mallet, crucifix, rosary, vials of garlic powder, and a serum for stopping demons. All for the low low price of whatever you could afford.

(6) Even if you're hungry enough to eat a horse(fly), suck it up (so to speak). That won't kill you - someone else's appetite, maybe. Feeding on the blood of a cadaver won't either, or the blood of another vampire. You'll just regret it in the morning. (7) The femoral artery which is location on a person's inner thighs. Yummy! (8) A vampire who didn't brush after every feeding and/or carry some kind of breath freshener would reek of living death. "You had me running away at hello" said the fly to the spider with the worst case of halitosis imaginable. (9) Humans who want to become vampires themselves, people with low self-esteem and those who are lonely. (10) Never hunt on a completely empty stomach. That leads to all kinds of bad decisions. Blood deprivation strips a vampire of their power and their senses.
Additional questions provided by your friendly neighborhood monster movie fan
Domenick Dicce, 2015
DOMENICK DICCE
Tarcher / Penguin     www.DomenickDicce.com
kill a vampire. What happens if failed basic anatomy and completely miss the heart?

IV. HAIR OF THE DOG
Werewolves vs Vampires is a story as old as Romeo and Juliet. It's also been knocked off as many times too. Why do vampires and werewolves not like each other?

V. ESSENTIAL TRAVEL SUPPLIES
Bram Stoker's Dracula made people more paranoid than swimmers after seeing Speilberg's Jaws. Cashing in on people' paranoia, Professor Earnst Blomberg created the vampire hunter kit for people to take on their travels. What did people get with this walnut box, with a cross on its hinged lid.

VI. BAD BLOOD
Armand (Antonio Banderas) looked pretty well-preserved for the oldest living vampire in Interview with the Vampire, didn't he? Any blood-sucking creature of the night that could outlive a redwood (and wasn't hideous to begin with) would be, as long they stayed out of the sun and adhered to a strict liquid diet that didn't include the bad stuff. (We hope) you'd know what that was before you tasted it.
VII. PUNCTURE POINTS
Pick a vein. Any vein. One doesn't always have to go for the throat, but that is the safest way to avoid detection if someone happens to interrupt your dinner. The least discrete? Fe, Fi, Fo-moral. Any guy (vampires and mortals, alike) will tell you that's never an easy spot to get to and often more trouble than it's worth.

VIII. SEDUCTION
Vampires usually fall into one of two types - lovers and fighters. If you don't have the stomach to rip out someone else's, you'll have to seduce your prey. Easier said than done for a creature that feeds on blood. Anyone see the problem there?

IX. FAMILIAR DIET
Using a "Familiar" as a food source is one of the easiest ways to find nourishment. The problem with that group is the time they spend away from you. They may be faithful in the beginning, but people are fickle. So who can a vampire trust?